What the Hell Happened to Horror?

Sometimes I'm accused of being a bit of a cinematic stick in the mud. "Oh, Lance. You don't like anything made after 1968- or that doesn't have Joan Crawford in it." Not true. I can enjoy modern movies especially when they give me an opportunity to talk about how current films relate to the movies that came before them (see Get Out (2017)). Recently I was excited to see two very much  buzzed aboot horror movies: A Quiet Place (2018) and Hereditary (2018).

Unfortunately my initial excitement turned to true horror.

Before I go negative- let me talk about what I liked. Quiet Place has a deafening premise! The idea of how you re-think your life based on how much sound you make is fascinating. Be quiet or die. I'm pretty sure I would have been a goner in the first wave of this extraterrestrial invasion. And John Krasinski spent a good deal of time behind the camera, but I'm all for every minute he spends in front of it... preferably nude.

Hereditary contains the exceptional acting wiles of Toni Collette, who I could watch paint miniature houses for hours. And Alex Wolff is a cutie... as long as he washes his hair. Both films use some fascinating non-traditional casting with two Millies- Millicent Simonds (Quiet Place) and Milly Shapiro (Hereditary) both depicting young ladies that don't look like one of the Fanning sisters. That's what I liked. Now on to what chaps my film snob hide- and yes, there will be spoilers.

As much as I loved the premise for Quiet Place, the execution of this end-of-the-world/monster survival flick is as messy as the monsters' faces. Can we start with one of the first and most obvious head-slappers? How can you pull a nail out of a step with a laundry bag when the nail is turned upside down? Aside from being a violation of the simple, physical laws of how nails are put into stairs, it is amazingly clumsy foreshadowing. Gee, I wonder if someone's going to step on that at some point- perhaps at a hugely inconvenient moment- like going into labor.

If you can build a sound-proof room to safeguard your newborn, why not do the whole house in newspaper and Hearos ear plugs? Or at the very least, use the room as a place to communicate with each other- like a DIY Big Brother Diary Room.

Then of course there's all the difficulties of grain elevators, busted water pipes, and a hearing aid that only screeches feedback when the script deems it necessary- which is apparently not when it could save your father. How many ridiculous complications does this family have to endure beyond being hunted by these terrifying creatures? As much as the scriptwriters (hint: director and star Krasinski is one of them) wants.

There is also a big missed opportunity to allude to the abortion debate. A horror movie like Rosemary's Baby (1968) can successfully weave the controversial topic into a film without being preachy- making a statement within an unexpected format.

For Quiet Place, we never hear anyone question the sanity of giving birth to a child that will scream and make noise constantly- endangering the whole family. Wouldn't it be wiser to not give birth to the monster magnet in the first place? At a time when the future of Roe v. Wade is in question, I think this movie missed an amazing opportunity to be part of the cultural conversation.

Hereditary starts off in the creepy vein of modern atmospheric chillers like It Follows (2014), The Boy (2016), and A Ghost Story (2017), but quickly devolves into a supernatural stew that takes ingredients from successful films without creating anything unique of its own. Pacing is key for this genre- and while a slow-paced horror film like The Shining (1980) or A Ghost Story can overcome their plot speed with shocking revelations, Hereditary luxuriates in taking its time- to a brutal point.

By the time we discover what the F is going on thanks to Grandma's box (not sure I still fully know), we've already moved on to the more attention-worthy topics of "Did I remember to call my mom on her birthday?" or "Would Alex look better with or without that mole?"

Arbitrary plot points abound here as well. It's not enough that little Charlie's windpipe is closing up due to her brother's negligence in watching her and what she sticks in her mouth, but she has to have her head knocked off when said brother dodges an animal carcass in the road as he races to the hospital and Charlie unluckily happens to have her head hanging out the window to get more air and says hello to a telephone pole. It's shocking- and then you have to laugh. It's just too much.

The plot suffers from the same problem. Is this movie about a haunting (Poltergeist (1982)?) A satanic cult (Rosemary's Baby?) Creepy possessions where people can contort their bodies and climb walls (Exorcist (1973) meets The Ring (2002)?) It is all of these things- and that's way too many familiar ingredients to create anything unique.

The final line of the movie isn't even original. The old, naked people chanting "Hail Paimon!" are way too close to the geriatrics chanting "Hail Satan" at the end of Rosemary's Baby. With a droning, atmospheric soundtrack that resembles those of Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind (The Shining) and John Carpenter, Hereditary doesn't as much use horror films of the past as inspiration, but as a blueprint.

So what do I think is wrong with these two very popular horror movies? They don't trust their premises and are working too hard to add extraneous details. They have a case of the "Horror Cutes."

Simplicity is an underrated virtue in horror films and I think both of these properties could have benefited from a vicious red pencil that would make the writers and directors distill these stories into tighter, more focused projects that transcend (or at least creatively re-imagine) the bells and whistles we've seen before. Don't worry about the next jump scare- or poster-worthy visual. Boil your story down to the bones.

I wonder if I should go see The Nun (2018) or just watch Two Mules for Sister Sara (1970).

Live in the Movie Moment

Hello Lance's Werthwhile Movie Fans!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted something scintillating, but I've made a resolution for 2018 to share my classic cinema burblings with all off you more often.

Sometimes I'm daunted by the amount of time I want to take talking about movies when the rest of my life is so consuming. There is not enough time in the day for me to be a television executive, a man about town, and write about why Darren Aronofsky's mother! nails all the classic Female Gothic tropes without bothering to make us care about his tortured heroine.

Today as I was trying to take a nap, my evil brain stayed awake and pestered me with the thought, "What if rather than expounding on films in movie-nut detail, I look for the little things?" Movies should be indulged in full, but often when we think of them, a single image or scene evokes all the feels.

So here is a list (in no particular order) of some of my favorite moments in film:

Dorothy Malone's frenzied dance while her father croaks on the stairs in Written on the Wind (1956).

Marilyn's "fuzzy end of the lollipop" speech in Some Like it Hot (1959). 

Gene Tierney watching Darryl Hickman drown after she gives him a rubdown in Leave Her To Heaven (1945).

The end credits of West Side Story (1961).

The helium-infused warehouse gun battle in Broadway Danny Rose (1984).

The scissor scene in The Furies (1950).

Martin Balsam going down the stairs in Hitchcock's Psycho (1960).

Peter O'Toole watching the approaching lone rider in Lawrence of Arabia (1962).

Olivia de Havilland hollering at the phone from her "small, private elevator" in Lady in a Cage (1964).

Gloria Swanson descending the staircase at the end of Sunset Boulevard (1950).

Those fucking twins in The Shining (1980).

Little Edie's Flag Dance in Grey Gardens (1985).

Bette Davis not watching her husband die of a heart attack in The Little Foxes (1941).

The Star Destroyer swallowing up the screen in the first scene of Star Wars (1977).

Parker Posey freaking out about the Busy Bee in Best in Show (2000).

Marlene Dietrich as a Mexican madame at the end of Touch of Evil (1958).

Judith Anderson fondling her old boss' nightie in Rebecca (1940).

Toshiro Mifune getting perforated at the end of Throne of Blood (1957).

Hattie McDaniels giving Scarlet over-the-shoulder side eye in the wagon when Scarlett prattles on about not being interested in someone she's totally interested in in Gone with the Wind (1939).

Robot Maria's sexy dance in Metropolis (1927).

Joan Crawford getting her cigarette lit by a pack of gents in Humoresque (1946).

Susan Kohner throwing herself on her mother's coffin in Imitation of Life (1959).

The kid trapped under the ice in Damien: Omen II (1978) (with honorable mention going to the reporter who gets attacked by satanic ravens and then a semi.)

Christopher Walken's watch scene in Pulp Fiction (1994).

Dustin Hoffman's live coast-to-coast un-masking in Tootsie (1982).

Peter Lorre screeching from his cell in Casablanca (1942).

Spock's death scene in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982).

Faye Dunaway orgasming to ratings-points in Network (1976).

Partygoers parachuting out of a doomed blimp in Madame Satan (1930).

Tallulah Bankhead trying to seduce John Hodiak while he reads the paper in Lifeboat (1944).

Glen Close losing her shit at the end of Dangerous Liaisons (1988).

Lana Turner taking a drive after she's been dumped in The Bad and the Beautiful (1952).




Here's hoping 2018 is full of magical movie moments.

The List is Risen!

Another day, another movie listicle. (Is that what the kids call these things?)

So while you're enjoying your holiday weekend, here's the Lance's Werthwhile Movie take on the latest list:

Most Hated Movie of All Time: Anything with Adam Sandler in it.

Movie I think is Underrated: Dancer in the Dark (1990)

Movie I Love: The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

Favorite Action Movie: The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

Favorite Drama: The Color Purple (1985)

Favorite Horror: The Shining (1980)

Favorite Comedy: The Palm Beach Story (1942)

Favorite Disney Movie: Dumbo (1941)

Favorite Science Fiction Movie: Alien (1979)

Favorite Superhero Movie: Superman II (1980)

Favorite Pornographic Movie: Edward Penishands (1991)

Favorite Musical: West Side Story (1961)

Childhood Favorite: Star Wars (1977)

Favorite Franchise: The Lord of the Rings/ The Hobbit

Guilty pleasure: Cannonball Run (1981)

Favorite Director: Stanley Kubrick

Favorite Actress: Joan Crawford

Favorite Actor: Ewan McGregor

Favorite Movie I've Seen So Far This Year: Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Worst Movie I've Seen So Far This Year: Into the Wild (2007)

Movie I Have Recently Seen: The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence (1962)

What I Thought of It: The legend is true.

Most Anticipated Film of This Year: Blade Runner 2049

Favorite Movie Starring Jesus: Ben Hur (1959)

Favorite Movie Featuring Passover: The Ten Commandments (1956)

Boo to You!

I know many of you are going to be busy this Halloween dressing-up the kids for their annual sugarpocalypse, or creating your own slutty ________ costume for a party or creepy bar crawl.

But sadly, I'm an old poop. I prefer to stay home in a smoking jacket with a friend or two and curl up with a scary classic movie and a couple cocktails. Is that so wrong? Doesn't that sound more fun than dragging a cranky child on a sugar high around the neighborhood trying to avoid the houses that give out toothbrushes and celery? Or slipping in the yack that the drunk Harley Quinn over there just unloaded on the floor of some east side brah-bar? Of course it does.

So for those of you who prefer your scares in the comfort of your own home, here are my picks for Top 5 Scary Classic Movies:

Them! (1954)

This is one of the first scary movies I remember seeing on KSHB TV's Creature Feature with Crematia Mortem. Released the same year as Godzilla, Them! joined a growing movement of giant monster movies that used the Atomic Age's effect on nature as a basis for cinematic destruction. In Godzilla and The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953) the monsters were giant, singular monsters that looked like creatures from another era. With Them! the terror comes not from fantastical animals from our past- but from simple creatures that live in our backyards.

Police Sgt. Ben Peterson (the venerable Brooks in Shawshank Redemption (1994)- actor and Tender Chunks spokesman James Whitmore) has been getting some strange emergency calls lately: A young girl wandering in the desert in a trance, clutching her cracked-up doll. A family's vacation trailer ripped to shreds, but the occupants missing. A general store demolished for what appears to be a sugar heist. Something terrible is happening in the New Mexican desert and only Peterson, FBI special agent Robert Graham (Gunsmoke's James Arness), Dr. Harold Medford (Santa himself, Edmund Gwenn),  and his daughter Pat (also a doctor- but probably earns less) can solve the riddle and save the world.

The great fun in this movie is the length of time we wait until the monsters are finally revealed. The high-whining sounds they make and the terror on the faces of their victims are the only cues our imaginations need to run wild. Once the giant ants reveal themselves they are fascinating in that the choice was to use physical creations for the monsters instead of superimposing enlarged footage of someone's ant farm. These ants (while not very fast-moving) are real, and have heft. The actors are reacting to being trapped in mandibles, not just pointing and yelling at a blank screen.

Them! in some ways looks hokey with its early special effects, but the story has a great arc, and there are real emotional consequences which is rare for these films. I will never forget the terror this film inspired when I was a child, and so I step on ants anytime I come across them.

Alien (1979)

In space, no one can hear you scream. But that does not hold true for the movie theater... or my living room. Ridley Scott's sci-fi horror masterpiece Alien spawned sequels, videogames, and prequels, but for my money nothing beats the first one. A mining crew is awoken out of cryogenic slumber to answer an SOS from an abandoned ship on a desolate planet. They discover a strange egg patch shrouded in mist in the belly of the giant ship. It's a case of curiosity bursts out of the cat's stomach when unlucky crew-member Kane (John Hurt) becomes a host to an alien and the rest is movie history.

I love this film so much because woven into the crew vs. alien survival story is the deeper social/psychological theme of female empowerment in an era of corporatization. Ripley (the perfectly cast Sigourney Weaver) is not only pursued by a deadly alien, she is also betrayed (and attacked) by the corporation that she works for. The Female Gothic films of the '40's often featured women endangered in their homes and marriages. But Alien moves that terror from the traditional home into the workplace. In a '70's post-Women's Lib twist, Ripley eschews traditional femininity, puts on her space pants and kicks ass like the best of the boys.

These gender themes are mirrored in the Oscar-winning design of H.R. Geiger. The cavernous alien ship is rounded and organic- like a space womb with entryways that look like things that Trump would like to grab. The alien itself is a walking phallic symbol with a second pair of teeth that shoot out of its mouth like a little eager weiner. It's impossible to avoid the sexual implications of Geiger's work. He spent a lifetime melding human and mechanical forms and with Alien found a vehicle to explore that cringe-worthy imagery.

The complexity and the devotion to style and the look of the film elevates what could have just been another space monster flick into an unforgettable classic. Scott will return again to the Alien mythology next August with Alien: Covenant. Don't ask me if I think it will be better than Alien. It won't be.

The Shining (1980)

The Shining gives me nightmares every time I see it. All someone has to say is "Come and play with us, Danny," and I am guaranteed a toss-and-turn evening... and not in the good way. But amazingly enough the author of the book that the film is based on, horror maestro Stephen King, doesn't like it. Whut???!!!

King once said that he had a problem with Stanley Kubrick's casting of Jack Nicholson as Jack Torrance, the father of a small family who decides to take a job as caretaker of a snowed-in hotel during the long, cold winter. King felt that Nicholson naturally gave off a crazy vibe, so that when he stopped being a "dull boy" it felt less like he'd been possessed by the spirits of the Overlook Hotel, and more that he just had a screw loose from the beginning. Point well-made, Mr. King.

But after reading the book and rolling my eyes at the animal-shaped topiary that came alive and went after little Danny, I decided that Kubrick's idea is scarier. While the supernatural aspects of the Overlook and its grim past haunt the picture- to me, the descent into madness of an outwardly normal father (even if he is a writer) is more terrifying than a story where "the ghosts made me do it."

For Kubrick the space itself- its isolation, its emptiness, its never-ending hallways and mazes force Jack to look at himself- and the regret and anger he sees drives him insane. Of course Jack is a little off at the beginning- he agreed to take this crazy job in an empty hotel. It's the new level of crazy that his wife and child see in the wild eyes of the man that they thought they knew that terrifies. Now that's scary. That and those fucking twins.

Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Okay, this movie is less scary and more funny. Dan O'Bannon's (who coincidentally wrote Alien) take on George Romero's classic cult zombie flick Night of the Living Dead (1968) does not take itself very seriously. Even the poster proclaims, "They're back from the grave and ready to party!" When Frank (Pathmark pitchman James Karen) and Freddy (Thom Matthews) start putzing around with the old army canisters in the basement, they accidentally unleash a toxic gas that brings the dead back to life. Soon the graveyard next door is full of brain-hungry zombies who chase a group of young people from location to location hoping to get some cranial action all to a punk soundtrack.

Where Romero's film had underlying themes of race and social upheaval, Return just wants to have a gory good time with ridiculous characters and throwaway lines like, "Like this job?" The special effects by father-son team Kevin and Robert McCarthy are actually very good- with one slimy zombie in particular providing plenty of ick. If you are pissed at this season's premiere of The Walking Dead, try watching Return for some undead with a sense of humor.

The Others (2001)

Nothing is as creepy as a good ol' Gothic ghost story, and this one is a doozy! Grace (Nicole Kidman looking ethereal) and her two children live in a remote English country house at  the end of WWII. Grace has her hands full with a husband missing in the war and two children who have a rare disease that makes them photosensitive. The sprawling home with mazelike hallways and rooms is made even more eerie with shades and drapes constantly drawn so the kiddies won't be exposed to pesky sunlight.

After the arrival of some elderly servants to help out (including the Irish spitfire, Fionnula Flanagan), Grace begins to hear and see other people in the house and fears that something- or someone is threatening her family. In the tradition of the Gothic female film, the heroine doubts her own sanity- struggling with whether or not what she is experiencing is real.

Director Alejandro Amenabar is a master of mood in this film, and the encroaching dread is almost a physical sensation. The Others doesn't need zombies, axe-murderers, or giant ants to make you jump out of your seat. It makes the hair on your neck stand-up with a simple oil lamp and a closed door.

So curl up with one of these fright flicks... if you dare...