What the Hell Happened to Horror?

Sometimes I'm accused of being a bit of a cinematic stick in the mud. "Oh, Lance. You don't like anything made after 1968- or that doesn't have Joan Crawford in it." Not true. I can enjoy modern movies especially when they give me an opportunity to talk about how current films relate to the movies that came before them (see Get Out (2017)). Recently I was excited to see two very much  buzzed aboot horror movies: A Quiet Place (2018) and Hereditary (2018).

Unfortunately my initial excitement turned to true horror.

Before I go negative- let me talk about what I liked. Quiet Place has a deafening premise! The idea of how you re-think your life based on how much sound you make is fascinating. Be quiet or die. I'm pretty sure I would have been a goner in the first wave of this extraterrestrial invasion. And John Krasinski spent a good deal of time behind the camera, but I'm all for every minute he spends in front of it... preferably nude.

Hereditary contains the exceptional acting wiles of Toni Collette, who I could watch paint miniature houses for hours. And Alex Wolff is a cutie... as long as he washes his hair. Both films use some fascinating non-traditional casting with two Millies- Millicent Simonds (Quiet Place) and Milly Shapiro (Hereditary) both depicting young ladies that don't look like one of the Fanning sisters. That's what I liked. Now on to what chaps my film snob hide- and yes, there will be spoilers.

As much as I loved the premise for Quiet Place, the execution of this end-of-the-world/monster survival flick is as messy as the monsters' faces. Can we start with one of the first and most obvious head-slappers? How can you pull a nail out of a step with a laundry bag when the nail is turned upside down? Aside from being a violation of the simple, physical laws of how nails are put into stairs, it is amazingly clumsy foreshadowing. Gee, I wonder if someone's going to step on that at some point- perhaps at a hugely inconvenient moment- like going into labor.

If you can build a sound-proof room to safeguard your newborn, why not do the whole house in newspaper and Hearos ear plugs? Or at the very least, use the room as a place to communicate with each other- like a DIY Big Brother Diary Room.

Then of course there's all the difficulties of grain elevators, busted water pipes, and a hearing aid that only screeches feedback when the script deems it necessary- which is apparently not when it could save your father. How many ridiculous complications does this family have to endure beyond being hunted by these terrifying creatures? As much as the scriptwriters (hint: director and star Krasinski is one of them) wants.

There is also a big missed opportunity to allude to the abortion debate. A horror movie like Rosemary's Baby (1968) can successfully weave the controversial topic into a film without being preachy- making a statement within an unexpected format.

For Quiet Place, we never hear anyone question the sanity of giving birth to a child that will scream and make noise constantly- endangering the whole family. Wouldn't it be wiser to not give birth to the monster magnet in the first place? At a time when the future of Roe v. Wade is in question, I think this movie missed an amazing opportunity to be part of the cultural conversation.

Hereditary starts off in the creepy vein of modern atmospheric chillers like It Follows (2014), The Boy (2016), and A Ghost Story (2017), but quickly devolves into a supernatural stew that takes ingredients from successful films without creating anything unique of its own. Pacing is key for this genre- and while a slow-paced horror film like The Shining (1980) or A Ghost Story can overcome their plot speed with shocking revelations, Hereditary luxuriates in taking its time- to a brutal point.

By the time we discover what the F is going on thanks to Grandma's box (not sure I still fully know), we've already moved on to the more attention-worthy topics of "Did I remember to call my mom on her birthday?" or "Would Alex look better with or without that mole?"

Arbitrary plot points abound here as well. It's not enough that little Charlie's windpipe is closing up due to her brother's negligence in watching her and what she sticks in her mouth, but she has to have her head knocked off when said brother dodges an animal carcass in the road as he races to the hospital and Charlie unluckily happens to have her head hanging out the window to get more air and says hello to a telephone pole. It's shocking- and then you have to laugh. It's just too much.

The plot suffers from the same problem. Is this movie about a haunting (Poltergeist (1982)?) A satanic cult (Rosemary's Baby?) Creepy possessions where people can contort their bodies and climb walls (Exorcist (1973) meets The Ring (2002)?) It is all of these things- and that's way too many familiar ingredients to create anything unique.

The final line of the movie isn't even original. The old, naked people chanting "Hail Paimon!" are way too close to the geriatrics chanting "Hail Satan" at the end of Rosemary's Baby. With a droning, atmospheric soundtrack that resembles those of Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind (The Shining) and John Carpenter, Hereditary doesn't as much use horror films of the past as inspiration, but as a blueprint.

So what do I think is wrong with these two very popular horror movies? They don't trust their premises and are working too hard to add extraneous details. They have a case of the "Horror Cutes."

Simplicity is an underrated virtue in horror films and I think both of these properties could have benefited from a vicious red pencil that would make the writers and directors distill these stories into tighter, more focused projects that transcend (or at least creatively re-imagine) the bells and whistles we've seen before. Don't worry about the next jump scare- or poster-worthy visual. Boil your story down to the bones.

I wonder if I should go see The Nun (2018) or just watch Two Mules for Sister Sara (1970).

Welcome to Lance's Werthwhile Classic Movie Diary!

Welcome, Movie (or Lance) Fans!

I am a classic movie nut. Everyone who knows me knows it. My family knew it when I papered my bedroom walls with Marilyn Monroe posters. My friends knew it when I loudly complained at our local watering hole that Christina Crawford's liar-liar-pants-on-fire book, Mommie Dearest ruined Joan Crawford's cinematic legacy. Everyone who's been on a date with me knows it when I make a Palm Beach Story reference and they stare blankly at me, my chances of getting laid disappearing like Rudy Vallee's chances of making it with Claudette Colbert. (That's a Palm Beach Story reference for those of you who have never been on a date with me.) I'm an out, loud and proud classic movie lover. So why not share that love with literally everyone on the internets, by writing a blog about movies?

So whenever I see something worth blogging about- a great old movie I've seen, a newer movie that doesn't make me roll my eyes, one of the silver screen greats passing away, a notable anniversary, or anytime something pops into my black and white mind- you can read about it here.

To get things started, how's about my thoughts on some movies I saw in 2015?

Weekend (2011)
I'd heard my gay mates and reviewers everywhere talk about how great this movie was. But because I have an aversion to movies where pretty people get to live fantastic gay lives that just make me envious, I sort of avoided it. I shouldn't have. There's nothing to envy in this dark romance. Weekend is equal parts hopeful love story and tragic, fatalistic love story. Not since Midnight Cowboy (1969) have I gotten a boner and cried all in the same movie.
Note- Do not watch this film with a man you've just fallen in love with who lives in another country, so you can't really be together. Trust me.

The Innocents (1961)
I love female gothic films. I've written papers on them. Female gothic films are to me what pizza is to fat kids. So I had to see this movie. Like a more spectral version of Rebecca (1940), Deborah Kerr is a governess who heads to a lonely manse in the countryside of England to take care of two creepy kids who seem like pint-sized adults. Things soon start going bump in the night and Deborah gets to walk through dark halls with candles questioning her own sanity. The look and sound of the film are terrifying and Deborah Kerr is always worth the price of admission.

Inside Out (2015)
I don't normally do kids movies, but the aforementioned foreign man who has become my boyfriend loves them. So I went, and like just about everyone else in the world, was charmed by this imaginative depiction of how our inner lives grow from childhood. What makes the concept of the different "emotional voices" work spectacularly is the voice casting. Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Lewis Black, Bill Hader, and Mindy Kaling are all the embodiment of their various animated emotions. And Richard Kind as the manifestation of our unleashed childhood imagination was so spot-on that I could swear I heard Bing-Bong in my own head after I left the movie. This one will take the Best Animated Feature Oscar at this year's awards easily (Sorry, Minions). It might even nab a Best Picture nom. Not bad for a kiddie movie.

Pinky (1949)
I'm intrigued by Hollywood films about race and one groundbreaking film I'd always heard about was Pinky. Based on the novel by Cid Ricketts Sumner (who names their kid Ricketts?), the film stars Jeanne Crain as a light-skinned black woman who returns to her hometown to see her mother (Ethel Waters) who is devastated to find out that her daughter has been "passing" as white. But the racist, old bat neighbor nee plantation owner (played deliciously by Ethel Barrymore- two Ethels in one movie!) needs a nurse- so this is a chance for Jeanne to figure out whether she is black or white. Along with films like Imitation of Life (1934), Hollywood seemed unable to really address the race issue without easing into it with plotlines involving people who were black- but not black. While it might seem dated and colorblind to the real issues, it is interesting to watch America's struggle with race relations play out on the big screen.

It Follows (2014)
Modern horror movies usually leave me pretty cold. They seem obsessed with gore and violation of women, and quite frankly, I get enough of that watching the Republican debates. But It Follows is different. This movie takes the familiar horror trope of punishing teens who have premarital sex to a whole new level. Poor Jay (Maika Monroe) is hot and bored, so of course she winds-up having sex with the boy she has a thing for. The problem is she awakens to find herself being chased by a naked spirit that only she can see. How can she get rid of it? She has to have sex with someone else which will pass the relentless, clothing-averse spook onto them. The moral question is scrumptious and the Kubrickian camerawork and John Carpenter homage score make this film legitimately scary.

The Skeleton Twins (2014)
Like modern horror, modern comedies often leave me scratching my head saying, "What was so funny?" I'm more of a Preston Sturges than a Seth Macfarlane. But this movie about two horribly damaged adult siblings was funny... and sad. It's also sad. Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader are so wonderfully connected and yet disconnected as the titular twins. Hader plays Milo without all the effete giggling of his famous Stefan character and Wiig has grown into an actress with chops bigger than her SNL: Weekend Update beginning. The emotional tie between these two feels real- and while something feeling "real" on-screen is not a pre-requisite for cinematic success- in a story that hinges on the relationship between two such oddball characters, it does elevate the film above simple comedy.

The Martian (2015)
Matt Damon plays Ripley from the Alien movies only without any alien. This film is the thinking man's space thriller with the focus being on problem-solving rather than explosions. If it weren't for Damon's charming screen persona, this movie would have held all the interest of a NASA training film about the benefits of duct tape. Ridley Scott makes everything look properly cinematic and with all the popular support, expect this film to land a Best Picture and Best Director nom at this year's Academy Awards. But seriously, after seeing what Cuaron did with Gravity (2013), I expected something more... and if Matt Damon was stranded alone on another planet, wouldn't he wear pants less often?

Brute Force (1947)
This would have to be my pick for my favorite movie I saw last year. One of my old Hollywood mentors, Steve Vaught- Hollywood Historian sent me home from Palm Springs with the Criterion DVD of Brute Force, and I am so happy I shoved it into my carry-on. Jules Dassin directs this gritty look at the male prison system without all the camp one-liners and Edward G. Robinson tough guys that usually populate earlier prison films. Burt Lancaster (He's in prison... of course I'm watching) keeps trying to break out, but power-hungry prison captain Munsey (a truly evil performance from Hume Cronyn) always gets his man. But can anyone ever stop Burt Lancaster from getting what he wants? Dassin helped institutionalize cinema verite qualities in noir and this film is a high-point for his career. These men are complicated. The prison system is complicated. This movie is not. It works simply to convey the complexity of its topic. With great work from an ensemble cast full of "isn't he's?", I was riveted... and not just because Burt takes his shirt off.

Tangerine (2015)
You know that movie that everyone was crowing about because it was shot entirely on an iPhone? This is that movie. I'll be honest. I'm not impressed by the idea that something was shot on a phone. Movies should look like movies, not like a click-bait Youtube channel. But just as movie pioneers lugged giant, boxy film cameras up mountains and through deserts to create movies, director Sean Baker has upped his cellplan and turned out a compelling piece of modern verite. Sin-Dee (Kitana Kiki Rodriguez) has just been released from jail and is shocked to hear from her best friend Alexandra (Maya Taylor) that her pimp boyfriend has been cheating on her. What follows is a modern-day trans odyssey for truth, love, and a Los Angeles donut shop. As Baker's phone runs all over L.A. in the pursuit of these harried people, we get the sense that the veil between make-believe Hollywood and real life has been pierced- if only for one Christmas Eve. Caitlyn Jenner is campaigning heavily for the movie and its leads- but you shouldn't expect too much Oscar love for this little gem.

Well, that was some of what I saw in 2015.
What do you think?