Billy's Bros

First of all, let me start this post by saying, I am a big, gay fan of Billy Eichner. His madcap, acerbic antics prowling the streets of NYC to hurl questions at hapless sidewalk denizens has given me frequent cases of the hee-haws. Like a howling dervish, Mr. Eichner oftentimes leaves his victims confused and bewildered as he storms off to the next accidental interviewee with a giggling celebrity in tow. If you haven't seen his Times Square adventure with Julianne Moore- you have missed one of the great skewerings and love letters to Hollywood and pop culture.

So when Eichner announced that along with producer Judd Apatow, he was making an all-gay romantic comedy- well, I was officially intrigued. Mr. Eichner's pre-release campaign was as energized as one of his street interviews- proudly touting the LGBTQ+ cast (including familiar faces like Amanda Bearse, Dot-Marie Jones, Harvey Fierstein, and Bowen Yang) and his goal to have the gays storm that final bastion of social inequality- the Hollywood Rom-Com. Earlier gay fare like Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998), Trick (1999), and Adam & Steve (2005) notwithstanding, Bros (2022) was positioned as the first out-cast, gay romantic comedy- and by God- us gays better go see it!

Can gays make a successful movie in the most hetero of Hollywood genres?

The answer is- define successful... 

From a critical standpoint, Bros is a really funny, touching, and at times subversive romantic comedy. The age-old premise of opposites attract stirs cynical LGBTQ+ rights historian (Eichner playing Eichner) and legal eagle square stud Luke Macfarlane (wowza) into the romantic recipe that came out so well for Cary and Kate, Kate and Spence, and Harry and Sally. 

Like its predecessors, Bros buys into the escapist fantasy of the genre: true love starts with a captured glance across a crowded room, maneuvers through the comedic pitfalls of seemingly insurmountable differences between two people, and ends with a heartfelt public declaration of devotion. I left the theater feeling like there was a hunky sweetheart out there just waiting for my tart ass to say hello and start my own love story. (Ahem... still waiting)

But Bros isn't content to simply insert itself into this iconic Hollywod paradigm. Eichner and co-screenwriter Nicholas Stoller endlessly celebrate and jab at the unique (and oft ridiculous) stereotypes of gay people from the L's, G's, B's T's, Q's to our allies to make the point that while this might be a typical rom-com- the characters within it are by no means typical- and therefore, transform the genre. 

From its first self-referential scene, Bros lays out exactly what it is- a gay movie made in an industry that prides itself on its acceptance- without the capacity to actually include LGBTQ+ stories, story-tellers, or out actors within its box office halls. This film has an agenda! And the Billie we know in the streets is only slightly muted here- shouting to anyone who will listen that Abe Lincoln was gay and ultimately, that LGBTQ+ people are just as capable as anyone else to star in, watch, and enjoy a good ol' sappy love story... albeit one with a butt-shaving incident.

But was Bros successful at the box office?

Number-crunchers almost triumphantly announced Bros' opening weekend missed the $5 million mark. Eichner went on the defensive crying homophobia- but also admitted there were other factors like no major stars in the film (couldn't Julianne Moore have made a cameo?) and the difficulties of the current theatrical market that contributed to the low audience turn-out. But to be honest- when you look at the $8 mill opening weekend take for much more touted (and higher budgeted) J.Lo/Owen Wilson rom-com Marry Me (2022)- and the fact that other rom-coms this year (Father of the Bride, The Valet, I Want You Back, Meet Cute, and gay contender Fire Island) were aired solely on streaming nets- maybe Bros isn't the disaster some cinema pundits make it out to be.

Consider the phone conversation I overheard between the gay friend I went to the movie with and a straight friend of his. "Bros. No- not Rose. Bros. Like Bros before hoes. Not, not Bros before homes. Bros- It's a gay movie!" While achieving its goal of being a funny and culturally significant entry into the history of the Hollywood rom-com, Bros might be too gay for the mainstream. But who knows? Maybe Middle America will discover a love for Grinder jerk-offs, throuples, and Eleanor Roosevelt in the secondary theatrical market.

Lance's Werthwhile Movies Annual 2020 Favorite Film Roundup

 Oh, 2020...

What can I write about you that hasn't already been written by others more poetic and pissed?

It's been a real challenge to maintain my glass half-full disposition, but one thing I can say- 2020 has given me a lot of time to watch movies.

And since I love to overshare, here are the movies I watched in 2020 that gave me cinematic silver-linings during this cloudy year.

The Mank Effect

With most movie theaters closed for months on end, Netflix became one of the few entertainment companies that could toot their own horns about new movies. One of the most loudly tooted was David Fincher's Mank (2020) a bio-pic about notorious screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz and his contributions to cinematic hallmark Citizen Kane. I didn't watch Mank. Since I still haven't stopped foaming at the mouth over last year's bio-pic du jour Judy (2019), and considering all the hullabaloo Mank kicked up, I decided to save myself a conniption fit and just watched Citizen Kane.

Citizen Kane (1941)

I get itchy about films that everyone loves. Probably because I want to be able to disagree without feeling like a leper- but in the case of Citizen Kane, its pedestal in the pantheon of greatest films ever made is secure with me. I would be a true moron to try and find something unique to say about Kane. 

Re-watching it, I was struck by how modern the film felt- from its flashback story framework, space-embracing shot set-ups, sly lampooning of the powerful, to performances that lurk in the realm of shadowy complication. 

Welles and Mankiewicz were not the first to employ any of these techniques- but Kane is a complete cinematic achievement and a clear influence on future filmmakers. A guy I had a socially-distanced face-chat date with informed me that there was no story in Citizen Kane. There was no second date.

After all that, you might be surprised to hear that Citizen Kane is not my favorite Orson Welles film.

It's actually...

Touch of Evil (1958)

The opening shot of Touch of Evil is legendary. Its weaving, un-cut follow-shot of a car with a bomb in it and a Mexican drug enforcement official Michael Vargas (Charlton Heston. Yes. Charlton Heston) and his new wife (Janet Leigh) visually connects Vargas to the explosive crime that propels this story like a gliding dance. 

Touch of Evil isn't just dark, it's ugly. Welles seems to take impish glee in making each character in this morality play as unappealing as possible. Welles' crooked police detective Hank Quinlan is corpulent and filthy- grunting and lying his way through the case like an aging boar. 

Heston's Mexican makeup and Spanish accent (or distinct lack thereof) would be offensive even in 1958. Mercedes McCambridge is unrecognizable as a butch drug gang toughie. Even the lovely Janet Leigh (once again victimized in a motel) is tarnished when she makes a racial slur against one of her future tormentors.

The shot that best exemplifies Welles' desire to not just paint the ugliness of fate with plot but with image occurs in a small shop where Vargas borrows the phone. In one of Welles' iconic deep-focus shots, in the background we see Vargas have a brief phone conversation while in the foreground a pitifully deformed blind girl sits quietly waiting for someone to show her a kindness. It's visually arresting to the point we stop paying attention to Heston's phonecall.

The moral center of the film is a Mexican whorehouse madame/fortune teller played with ethnic disparity by Marlene Dietrich. She tells Quinlan, "Your future's all used up." But Welles' future was secure in Hollywood history- even if it's in a movie like Mank that seeks to un-seat his legacy.

But there's one other figure in the Citizen Kane trinity I'd like to talk about: Robert Wise.

The Set-Up (1949)

Robert Wise was the film editor on Citizen Kane. While critics fight over the contributions of Welles and Mankiewicz, Wise often gets left on the cutting room floor. But looking at Wise's subsequent work (he won four competitive Oscars without the presence of La Welles) it's clear that Wise had a highly developed cinematic eye. 1949 boxing drama The Set-Up is a perfect example of Wise's filmmaking talents that likely contributed to how Citizen Kane looked.

The Set-Up starts with a flowing establishing shot that moves along a cul de sac where a boxing venue is across the street from the shoddy hotel room of tragic fighter Stoker Thompson (Robert Ryan in fine physical form) and his long-suffering wife (Audrey Totter). While the plot quickly sets up the set-up, this movie is more about the denizens of this cheap, no-winner world. 

From unkind close-ups of the bloodthirsty fight viewers, to the men who get their faces punched in for a living and the money-grubbing creeps who make paydays off of them, Wise paints this portrait in ugly shades- setting the stage for future boxing films like Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull (1980). This movie is proof that while Wise clearly worked well with Welles and Jerome Robbins (West Side Story (1961)), he was a visual master all by himself.

RIP Ennio Morricone (July 6, 2020)

They called him Maestro, and the title was well-earned. In his career of over 55 years, Ennio Morricone's soundtracks helped define the films they were a part of- indelibly so. While he utilized different instruments to match the genres and periods of the films he composed for, you could always tell when you heard a Morricone score. 

In honor of his passing in July of this year, here are my favorite movies that the Morricone touch made golden:

A Fistful of Dollars (1964)
The Battle of Algiers (1966)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Two Mules for Sister Sarah (1970)
Days of Heaven (1978)
La Cage aux Folles (1978)
The Thing (1982)
The Mission (1986)
The Untouchables (1987)
Cinema Paradiso (1988)
The Hateful Eight (2015)

I Do Watch Movies That Were Made in This Century

Thanks to the magic of Netflix red-envelope DVD service (yes, I still use it!), I was able to watch some of the much buzzed-about films of the last year or so.

Here are the ones that gave me the feels:

The Lighthouse (2019)

Director Robert Eggers made a splash with atmospheric creeper The Witch (2015) despite the fact I thought it needed more black goat. His next film, The Lighthouse, though, made me sit up and salute. It's basically a female gothic film with two dudes stuck in a lighthouse. Willem Dafoe gets to spout the most beguiling Melville-ian monologues and Robert Pattinson shows his nautical heinie. Madness never looked so salty in black-and-white. 

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)

As the song from Broadway's The Wild Party goes, "I need a good-natured, old-fashioned Lesbian love story!" Portrait delivers just that. Set in 18th Century Brittany, the familiar story d'amour about an artist who falls in love with the subject they are hired to paint is given a sapphic twist. The performances from Noemie Merlant and Adele Haenel as the star-crossed lovers are nuanced and simple- and the rocky, oceanside setting is worthy of the greatest landscape painter. Director Celine Sciamma  achingly captures the longing of every artist (and probably non-artist) to render the fleeting fire of love so it can be re-lived again once it has gone.

Booksmart (2019)

Speaking of the ladies, Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein play two high school nerdettes who on the eve of graduation decide it's finally time to follow good ol' Auntie Mame's advice and "Live!" Director Olivia Wilde exploits and circumvents the tropes of the typical male teen "one more night" movie to create a funny and touching flick that reminds us all what it feels like to be that awkward age, dancing with the friends we thought we would have in our lives forever.

Here's to your 2021 being full of movies that will live forever!

What to Watch When Quarantined Week 2,345 1/2

Now that my hair has grown into Seventies ballplayer mullet territory, I've realized that I need to stop fucking around. This quarantine is serious, and you, my faithful readers rely on me to give you ideas of what classic films to watch during this critical time. So here's what I watched to stave off the insanity that lurks just under my sofa.






Miller's Crossing (1990)

One of those insipidly viral Facebook post-y thingies that has flourished in this isolated time asked me to list my favorite gangster flick. I can now say without a drot of online sarcasm that it's Miller's Crossing. The third film from Joel and Ethan Coen is pure mob poetry.

Tom Reagan (the icily enigmatic Gabriel Byrne) is the number one guy of Irish crime boss Leo (Albert Finney in a bravura turn). So why is Tom screwing Leo's lady (delightfully duplicitous Marcia Gay Harden) and making a rumpus with his Italian enemy (the perfectly porcine Jon Polito)?

This film is full of the Coen Brothers' signature touches- a whip-smart script, an insanely talented and quirky band of actors, a luxurious production design that makes you want to hop into a time machine, and a viciously dark sense of humor. Miller's Crossing questions the underpinnings of mob film classics like The Godfather (1972) by exposing the "ethics" of a criminal enterprise and the frail nature of loyalty.

The scene where Leo is attacked in his home is a textbook example of the Coen style- brutal, fanciful, and funny. Amazingly, not a single Oscar nom was granted to Miller's Crossing. But six years later they would make up for it with noms and wins for their modern crime classic, Fargo (1996).

Humoresque (1946)

I'm often asked, "Hey, Lance, you fanatical Joan Crawford nut, what is your favorite Joan film?" My reply, "All of them." And then I exhale a veil of cigarette smoke and slap them in the face. But if I did have to choose a favorite from Joan's long and storied career, I would say 1946's Humoresque. Hot off her Best Actress win for Mildred Pierce (1945), Crawford is Helen Wright, a classical music benefactress whose parties are full of young men eager to light her cigarette while her husband looks on in doleful resignation. A young violinist (the intense and volatile John Garfield) plays a damned good fiddle and zing goes the strings of Joan's heart.

Humoresque is interesting in how director Jean Negulesco depicts the female gaze. In scene after scene the camera focuses on women watching men- from motherly to sexually- and those watching and judging that intense scrutiny. The act of a woman looking is punctuated by Crawford wearing glasses. But those cheaters can't hide Crawford's stunning beauty, and a performance that is equal parts bitchery and vulnerability. Humoresque has one of those "only on a Hollywood set" locations- a piano bar called Teddy's that I wish existed so I could go there for a drink the minute this quarantine lifts.

Dodsworth (1936)

Don't ask me why- but I thought this movie would be about a butler. Well, it's not. Instead, Walter Huston's (Anjelica's grand-pappy) midwestern auto manufacturing company is bought out, and his wife (Ruth Chatterton) encourages him to experience the good life by taking her to Europe for a couple months. The only problem is that wifey's idea of the good life starts to include dashing rues and cads who make poor Walter look positively provincial.

This American morality tale about the sins of chic-ness could have been unbearable, but in the hands of prolific director William Wyler, the sharp edges of righteousness are sanded away. Chatterton is infuriatingly selfish- but takes the time to show the underpinnings of a woman terrified of growing old. Huston is equally nuanced- a pushover who can only be pushed so far before he breaks.

Mary Astor lends her worldly stateliness to the proceedings as does not-having-it potential mother-in-law Maria Ouspenskaya. Nominated for seven Academy Awards, Dodsworth feels ahead of its time... even if it's not about a butler.

Now, when can I get a haircut?

What to Watch When You're Quarantined Week- Whatever

Oh, faithful LWCMD readers, I've started to lose track of time. Life has become a whirl of video conferences, artery-clogging home cooking, pandemic comedy vids, and games of Chips and Guac on Houseparty. (Don't worry if you don't know what the last one is. I didn't 'til yesterday either.) But I did find time in my busy schedule to watch some movies.

Z (1969)

In my rant about Parasite a couple weeks ago, I bemoaned the fact that there have been some amazing foreign films that didn't win Best Picture Oscars that I feel eclipse Parasite. I just found another one to bolster my argument. Z is a top-notch political thriller released less than a year after the assassinations of RFK and MLK Jr. The action takes place in Algeria during a political rally for a leader (played with gravitas by Yves Montand) who causes a stir by promoting denuclearization and world peace. Imagine that.

Intrigue unravels as activists, a plucky reporter, working class thugs, a dogged prosecutor, and military baddies collide, reminding us that self-interest often drives our world more than truth. Director Costa-Garvas kept the pace brisk and found some humor amid the tragedy while Francoise Bonnot took home the Oscar for Best Editing. In a year dominated by Midnight Cowboy (1969), Z had to settle for winning Best Foreign Language Film- but it's a timely movie that should not be forgotten.

Away from Her (2006)

Actress Julie Christie turned 80 last week so I celebrated by watching her fourth Oscar-nominated role in Away From Her. Christie was one of the great screen beauties of the '60's and '70's, but she proved time and time again in classics like Billy Liar (1963), Doctor Zhivago (1965), Fahrenheit 451 (1966), and Shampoo (1975) that she was more than just a pretty face. She even got the ultimate call-out in a Robert Altman movie, when she played herself in Nashville (1975). (Karen Black's Connie White can't believe she's famous. "Oh, come on. She cain't even comb her hair.")

At age 66 Christie is still a stunner- but Away from Her relies less on her looks, and more on her ability to immerse herself in the mind of an Alzheimer's sufferer. Fiona (Christie) has started doing kooky things like putting skillets in the freezer, labeling what's in her kitchen drawers, and wandering off into a wintry wilderness.

Her husband (Gordon Pinsent), desperately wants to protect her, but Fiona chooses the isolation of a local nursing home where she adapts to her new environment and reality, becoming involved with another patient (Michael Murphy looking grimly grizzled.) With a wonderful supporting turn from Olympia Dukakis, Away is a quiet film, that relies on subtlety over dramatic outbursts to communicate the humanity that is erased by this inhumane disease.

The Boy Friend (1971)

Another beauty from the Swingin' Sixties who made her way to the big screen was fashion icon Twiggy. The pouty, gawky model was on every magazine cover in the late '60's, so it was just a matter of time before someone decided to make a movie star out of her. British director Ken Russell believed that Twiggy's "naturalness" would be a perfect fit for the "All-Talking, All-Singing, All-Dancing" 1920's/30's musical extravaganza. Too bad Twiggy is only okay at talking, singing, or dancing.

Twiggy is Polly, an assistant stage manager who gets her big break to go onstage when the lead in a down-in-the-dumps music hall show breaks her ankle. The stakes get even higher when 'Pol' has to kiss her co-star whom she has been madly idolizing backstage and a big-shot Hollywood director is in the audience. If this sounds like a lot- it is. Too much in fact.

The movie can't decide whether it is an homage to the Twenties or to the Busby Berkeley movie musicals of the Thirties. In fact, I'm not even sure it's an homage. Russell simultaneously wants to evoke the escapist glamour of a by-gone era and likewise skewer it within a setting of middling, delusional failures.

The classic musicals worked because their fantasies emanated from the hopes and talents of their characters (and their audiences), whereas Boy Friend calls out the distinction between fantasy and show biz mediocrity. Specifically in numbers like "I Could Be Happy with You" Russell forces his star to make Berkley-styled love to the leading man who she believes is in love with another castmate, breaking the musical spell at the same time he's trying to weave it.

Twiggy's unique look is on full display, her cupid bow mouth and large deep-set eyes brought out by makeup and costume- and a pair of glasses that quickly disappear. In one scene she appears as an Erte-inspired vamp. It's a perfect example of how Twiggy frozen as an image can be stunning. But her lack of physical grace (a gait that I would say was anything but natural) and an almost non-interested acting style did not catch on with the movie-going public, and Twiggy's dreams of Hollywood stardom went the way of raccoon coats and rouged knees. Do check out the impossibly young and thin Tommy Tune.

Outlaw of Gor (1988)

Sometimes in a quarantine you have to just bake two dozen peanut butter cookies from your mother's favorite Good Housekeeping recipe and then sit down and eat them in front of the worst movie you've ever seen. While I might be able to work off the peanut butter cookies, I will never be able to lose the memory of watching Outlaw of Gor. This crap movie is the stuff of Mystery Science Theater 3000 legend. Now called Gor II, this sequel based on a popular fantasy book series was shot on a budget of $12. It doesn't matter what the plot is. It is simply one terrifically awful scene after another. Between the 80's video vixen hair, the little person sidekick, and Jack Palance chewing the scenery in a number of kiki hats, it's impossible to do anything except wonder if Italian beefcake Urbano Barberini's mini-skirt will blow to the side long enough to see his sword. Do not watch this unless you are drunk or high... or full of peanut butter cookies.