One is known for playing the world's greatest spy, and the other for directing dark kitsch. So it may come as no surprise to you that Sean Connery has never appeared in a Tim Burton movie.
On this celebration of their birthdays (86 and 58 respectively)- let's pretend the two had a long and prolific partnership making movies together.
Imagine these Burton/Connery classics:
Goldscissorfinger (1964)
007 (Connery) goes up against his most lethal enemy yet. Wealthy goth financier (Johnny Depp with a German accent and one sharp golden digit) Goldscissorfinger is determined to corner the chocolate market and hatches a plot to put the town of Hershey, Pennsylvania asleep and steal its stockpile of solid chocolate bars. With the help of sweet Bond girl Cocoa Galore (Diahann Carroll), Britain's most famous spy takes on Goldscissorfinger and his henchman Oddbod (who can take off his bodyparts and throw them with deadly accuracy).
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to get a cavity."
It's sugar-coated excitement!
Zardoz (1974)
This strange John Boorman sci-fi cult hit is one of the great weird films of the Seventies. Its vision of the future is part tribal, part groovy vest convention, part LSD trip. So it's easy to imagine Burton's twisted sense of design applied to this bizarre story of how savage Zed (Connery) encounters a protected village of immortals and challenges the cultural divisions of the future.
Picture the great stone face of Zardoz in Burton's hands. It would become a Hawaiian tiki mug that munches up food and dispenses ray guns. Connery's infamous costume in the hands of frequent Burton collaborator Colleen Atwood can only be improved, and her re-imagination of The Eternals get-ups would make Charlotte Rampling more than just a translucent scarf model.
Zardoz was mainly an experiment in style- and no one knows more about cinematic styling than Burton.
Pee-Wee's Scotch Adventure (1985)
When Pee-Wee's (Paul Reubens) bicycle is stolen by neighborhood meanie Francis (Mark Holton) and sent to Scotland to get a new plaid seat, Pee Wee has to cross the Atlantic and search for his beloved two-wheeler amongst the heather-covered hills. Adventures include a run-in with Bagpipe Seamus (Connery sporting musical pipes and a kilt) and famous loch monster Nessie who has to convince Pee Wee not to swim with his shoes on.
Will Pee Wee rescue his bike? Will Scotland leave England and join the EU? All this and a cameo by Johnny Depp playing Donald Trump trying to outsmart gophers on his golfcourse.
Batman (1989)
When Burton first announced he was making
Batman, the only question more likely to cause geek conniption fits than, "Who is playing Batman?" was, "Who is playing The Joker?" The list of possible Jokers was starry and interesting: Harrison Ford, Robert Downey Jr., Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck (imagine the makeup needed to cover that mustache), and Pierce Brosnan. The role ultimately went to Jack Nicholson, who I think did a fantastic job playing the mad qualities of this twisted psycho- but there are those who found the stunt-casting unbearable. You can't please all the fanboys.
But what about Sean Connery? Imagine that mad Scottish growl on lines like
"Wait'll they get a lood o' me." or
"Where does he get those woonderful tooys?" or
"Yoo evr dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" Connery's physical presence would certainly be more intimidating than Nicholson's, but maybe he couldn't master the Joker's signature comic book cackle. Oh well.
Connery would go on to play a comic-book-esque villain in the TV-to-big screen outting
The Avengers (1998). Sir August de Wynter tries to use a weather machine to wreak havoc on Mother England. And he did it without any clown white.
Sean Attacks! (1996)
An all-star cast faces an alien invasion when Martians attack Earth with an army of clones of Sean Connery characters. Will the forces of Earth be a match for Bonds; Dr. Joneses; Irish cops; various kings, princes and knights; Russian sub commanders; and "There can only be one" immortal swordsmen? It's all the Connery you can handle in this hirsute, sci-fi spoof.
While Mr. Connery has been in retirement since 2003's comic book-to-screen misfire
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (which might have benefited from Burton's talents), Burton's latest cinematic exploration of the strange and unusual,
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children opens at the end of next month.
One place where Connery and Burton have appeared together was this year's
Father's Day post with
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) and
Big Fish (2003) getting some fatherly props. Check it out!
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